Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I licked your asshole in confidence.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
