Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
