I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
3pm strippers are depressing
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
