is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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