I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
