im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
did i walk over a car last night?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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