i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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