I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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