are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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