Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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