My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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