We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
