I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
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Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
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Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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