This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so let's talk penis.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
BRING THE BAGELS
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
