today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
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I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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