hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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