I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
