If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
