I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
