Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
