Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
