Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
