Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
