i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
