Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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