don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When are your genitals available?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
