Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
