I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
