Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
