yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
