Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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