You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
