i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
