Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
