I can tuck mytits in my pants
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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