the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
