I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
