Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
