i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
