i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
