his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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