Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
