saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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