Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
