My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
