my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I feel great
I just peed on a car
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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