Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
