I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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