I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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