this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
