It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize