i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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