oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
