so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize