he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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