you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
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Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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