Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's get the cat blown out
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
