how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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