Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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