Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize